January 24, 2019
Greetings Laff Lovers,
We had our first significant snowfall here in the Chicagoland area last week. And I was just pleased as punch to send the boy out into the swirling snow, shovel in hand, to clear the sidewalk and driveway.
"I don't see why I have to do ALL of this," he complained when he came inside for a few minutes to warm up.
"Because," I answer between sips of piping hot coffee while snuggling deeper into my fleece bathrobe, "there are two swinging dicks in this house, and mine is bigger."
"But don't worry," I followed up, "your grandfather did the same thing to me and one day you'll have a boy of your own to torture with chores."
"No I won't!" he threw back at me. "I'm NEVER gonna make my kids shovel."
"Just wait," I said. "Just wait."
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"One recent study found that owning a cat could make you more into bondage - whereas owning a dog could make you more into "doing it" while a stranger sits in the corner and occasionally barks when he thinks you're hurting each other." -Stephen Colbert
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"
The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two pickets to Titsburgh'."
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH.'"
"United Airlines just announced a new plan where you will have to pay to store a carry-on in the overhead bin. What's next? 'In case of a water landing, your seat can be used as a flotation device for only $129. Major credit cards accepted.'" -James Corden
A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, pretty much every day when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI", not "wife".