January 21, 2019

Good morning crew,

They were predicting a real weather catastrophe over the weekend; snow anywhere from 6 to 26 inches, gale-force winds, drifts up to six feet, and eyeball-numbing temperatures that would freeze you in place if you didn't keep moving.

Here south of Chicago we got about five inches and the temperature plummeted all the way down to a mildly uncomfortable 17 degrees.

Still, the wind was pretty brisk and the drifting snow in my driveway took me close to an hour to shovel by hand Saturday morning.

It was when I was just about finished that I saw him; the snow plow driving was cruising slowly down my street. He had his plow elevated, but I locked eyes with him and it was like I could read his mind, 'Just wait until you go inside, mate,' he was thinking, 'I'm gonna plow you in good.'

I wouldn't be surprised if it's the same snow plow driver from last winter who seemed to have a personal grudge against me. If you want to read a tale of woe you can read about that little vendetta by clicking below.

I have given a name to the misery in my life.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"I read about a man in Virginia who paid the DMV his $3,000 fine in pennies. It took the workers 12 hours to count them all. And that line still moved faster than the one you were in waiting in at the DMV." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus is officially shutting down. Now, the circus won't officially close until May, so if you don't get a chance to see it, you had 150 years. No one feels bad for you." -Stephen Colbert

***
"There's a new app out there that describes itself as Tinder for adopting babies. So one day, siblings will be taunting each other with, 'Ha ha, mom right-swiped you. You shouldn't be here.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"