January 13, 2019
Greetings Laff Lovers,
There's something seriously wrong with Lewis. I think he's researched too many of those Bizarre News stories. He was sitting in my office bullshitting when he suddenly asked me, "How many guys do you think can participate in a gang bang before it's gay?"
I stared at him waiting for a punch line, but apparently he was serious.
"You've been watching too much porn," I told him.
"I haven't watched porn in years," he answered. "Porn is for the immature mind. Real emotional intimacy is the best sexual stimulant. My interest in gang bangs is purely academic."
So I thought about it for a moment and told him, "Three. Because that's all one woman can handle at a time. If any guy is interested in being the fourth in a gang bang he's in it for the incidental dick-on-dick contact."
"That makes sense," said Lewis.
Oddly enough it did make sense. I'm surprised I was able to come up with a lucid answer to such a stupid question.
Come to think of it; there might be something seriously wrong with me.
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My girlfriend tried to get me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look sexy?
A. Put a nipple on it.
Q. Why do women fake orgasms ?
A. Because they think men care.
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.
A guy goes into U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10, and you might as well plan on starting at 10 every Day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in You coming in for that."