January 10, 2019
Greetings Laff Lovers,
When I woke up yesterday morning I went downstairs to the kitchen to find my wife had just finished brewing a pot of coffee.
"Oh, thank you, my love," I said, and meant it. Usually I'm the one doing this little chore. Not that I mind making coffee all that much. Much like jerking off, only I know how I really like it.
But still, it's a nice, little luxury to wake up and be handed a steaming hot mug of freshly brewed coffee! Only when I took a sip my face screwed up and I almost spit it out.
"Did you make tea instead of coffee?" I asked her.
"No," she said, "it's coffee."
"What happened to my organic, single origin, dark roasted, mountain-grown robusta?"
"This is light roast arabica," she answered. "I thought you might like a change of pace."
Putting my mug down I said calmly, "Hon, when my mother was finished breast-feeding she would put this stuff in my baby bottle before putting me to bed. I'm sure it's fine for the hipster, Starbucks crowd, but it's wasted on me."
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A drunk man is being arrested by an attractive, young female police officer who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The man replies, "Tits!"
For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalised gay marriage and legalised marijuana. The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
Apparently it hadn't been interpreted correctly before!
Substitute teach in deep shit for crapping on administrator's birthday party. Read the story here.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided its self on the amount of SHIT it gives our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressional Representative,
who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)