January 07, 2019
Good morning crew,
The wife and I had big plans this weekend to take the Christmas tree down, put all of the ornaments into their respective boxes, carefully pack the lights so they wouldn't tangle, get all of the decorations stowed away in the crawl space, then carry the tree into the back yard where we would clip off all the branches and bundle them for the garbage man, and finally saw the trunk into small, manageable logs we could put into the fire pit come spring.
At 5 o'clock Sunday afternoon we decided to enjoy the tree for one more week.
Laugh it up,
P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives
"There's a new workout where people crawl like a baby. It's a new thing, because it strengthens your core while working your shoulders and hips. In response, babies were like, 'Have you seen our bodies?'" -Jimmy Fallon
"Here in California, some Starbucks stores have begun selling beer and wine. When asked why, a spokesperson for Starbucks said, 'Because sober people don't buy Michael Buble CDs.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Apple's top designer has created a special Christmas tree that does not feature any lights or decorations. Said the designer, 'I didn't know this was due today.'" -Seth Meyers
A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.
The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick... get me a translator."
Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"
The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"
The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."
The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen vun Oxford."
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
A man tell his friend, "I went to my doctor to see if he could help me give up smoking."
"What did he say?"
"He suggested that every time I felt like a smoke I should reach for a bar of chocolate."
"Did that do any good?"
"No, I can't get the chocolate to light."