January 04, 2019

Good morning crew,

I wish I had some exciting stories to tell you about New Year's Eve, but the wife and I stayed local and did a little bar hopping around the neighborhood by ourselves.

There are advantages and disadvantages to this strategy. One of the advantages is that we know a number of the bartenders in the area so we got several drinks for free. Plus, we know where all of the good food is, so instead of greasy chicken wings and soggy bar pizza we knew just where to find fresh Atlantic oysters, seared Ahi tuna with sriracha avocado aioli, and lobster and mango summer rolls.

Another advantage is that we were never more than ten minutes away from the house. Actually, this last one was more of a disadvantage. Because we were so close to home there was no incentive to pace ourselves. By ten o'clock we were three bars, one restaurant, and one gambling 'cafe' into the night and feeling a little burned out.

So by ten-thirty we were home, had our shoes off, and were determined to ring in the new year with the dog and a bottle of French champagne we had been saving for the occasion.

And by 11 we were all unconscious on the sofa in front of the TV.

So, we missed New Year's Eve, again, but maybe we'll stay up until midnight tonight and finally get around to opening that bottle of bubbly.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Yale University's being pushed to modify a poetry course because students have complained that the content is too white. Students objected specifically to a poem called 'Ode to a Lost Prius in the Whole Foods Parking Lot.'" -Conan O'Brien

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"The post office just can't get its act together. They announced today they want to raise the price of stamps so they can make an extra $2 billion. That is still better than their original plan - uninvent the Internet." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"A new study found that American workers lack the problem-solving skills that workers in other countries have. When American workers heard about the study they said, 'So? What can we do about it?'" -Jimmy Kimmel

***

Choosing a movie? Try these extremely abbreviated plot explanations:

- The Shining: A family's first Airbnb experience goes very wrong.

- The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.

- Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.

- Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.

- The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

A man and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale.

"Look, a scale," the man said to his friend. "Let's see how my new diet is working out."

He stepped on the scale.

"I can't believe it!" he said as he read the result. "I've been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I'm heaver than I was before! How can that be?"

He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. "Here, hold my jacket," he said.

The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.

Not much change.

"Here," he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies too."