January 03, 2019
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I'd like to tell you that my wife and I rang in the New Year with style, but I'd be lying. The entire clan went to my brother's house for dinner and games, but by 11:30 I was falling asleep. So I grabbed my wife, left my kids there and drove the few miles back to my house.
We got into the house and I was suddenly frisky.
"Whaddya say we start the new year the right way?" I said nuzzling my wife's neck.
She said, "I'm so tired... and the kids will be home in half an hour."
"So what?" I said. "All I need is three minutes to give you a grand slam."
"I know. But I need a lot more time than that by myself after you're done."
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"This weekend is SantaCon, which is the annual bar crawl where people dress up like Santa Claus for a day of drinking. That's right, a drunken bar crawl wearing a Santa suit, or as the real Santa calls that--December 26." -Jimmy Fallon
A Guy walks up to an attractive, young woman in a bar and says, "You remind me of my little toe."
She replies, "What's that supposed to mean? Like I'm small and cute or something?"
He says, "No. It means I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."
"Boston Medical Center found that 15 percent of 2-year-olds in the Boston area drink as much as 4 ounces of coffee a day. The parents claim they give the kids coffee only when they need it, like when the kid wakes up with a hangover." -Jimmy Kimmel
Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."
"Great," says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Gonna be some drinkin!"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."