January 02, 2019

Good morning crew,

And welcome to a new year! Yes, 2019. Very exciting. All sorts of fun things coming up. Let's see; 12 mortgage payments to make. Can't wait to get started on that. Taxes next month. That's always a hoot. Oh, and I'm going to be one big, whole fat year older. Yeah, lots to look forward to in 2019.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com


P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"My New Year's resolution this year was to get a gym membership, use it twice, and then never use it again. I'm already halfway there." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
"A seventh grade teacher in California was arrested for teaching while drunk. Which is why an entire Earth Science class now thinks hurricanes are formed when rum collides with lime juice, passion fruit, and crushed ice in a hot pink souvenir cup from Senor Frog's." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"New research came out that reveals that being attractive in high school leads to success later in life. So finally some good news for hot, popular teenagers." -Conan O'Brien

***

Rushing to get to the movies, my husband and I told the kids we had to leave "right now"at which point our teenage daughter headed for the bathroom to apply makeup. Her dad yelled for her to get in the car immediately, and headed for the garage grumbling.

On the way to the multiplex my husband glanced in the rearview mirror and caught our teen applying lipstick and blush, which produced the predictable lecture. "Look at your mom," he said. "She didn't put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater."

From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn't need makeup."

My heart swelling with the compliment, I turned back to thank this sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she continued, "Nobody looks at her."

We Found the Coolest Lamp for $5! TODAY ONLY get this Sleek, Sophisticated Lamp at $20 OFF CLICK HERE to SEE A VIDEO

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"