December 27, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I was talking with Lewis and he mentioned that he checked the tracking on the expensive jewelry he ordered for his wife on December 11th and it's not due to arrive until December 27th.
"Boy, you'd figure that ordering it on the 11th would give you enough lead time," I said.
"I thought so too," he said, "but it turns out that it's coming from Thailand."
"Thailand," I said. "Holy shit, you spent that much money on jewelry from Thailand?""
"I didn't know it was from Thailand."
"They hit the jackpot with your order."" I said. "I can see the family sitting at their bamboo table in their little grass hut stringing the beads of your order together. 'Honey,' says the husband, 'we're rich! You probably won't have to go out and blow anyone for a whole month!'"
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An exam at a High school in North Carolina required students to use the word 'handsome' in a sentence.
One girl wrote, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's dick, my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."
In the bar the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bathtub. The answer, of course, being...throw in your wash.
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said, "I Sorry, buddy. Did he drown?"
"No," he replied, "He choked on a sock."
I gave my girlfriend a new perfume called Chloroform. She doesn't like it. She says she gets real sleepy and that it makes her ass sore!
Back on October 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby... whatcha doin' up there on that railing?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.