December 26, 2018
Good morning crew,
I got an interesting Christmas haul this year. No scotch. I think this was the first year in about a decade nobody bought me any scotch.
But I did get some underwear. I was needing that. I also got a case of toilet paper, and I mean a case, like the case that gets delivered to the supermarket to stock their shelves with. I must have a reputation. My mother-in-law bought me some instant lottery tickets, because in addition to drinking, gambling is among my other qualities. I got a gift certificate to a cooking class. There is a skill that can always use some brushing up on.
And ol' Mason got me something called Echo. It's kind of like a talking computer, but from what I understand you can't do any normal 'computer' stuff on it. For example; it doesn't have a screen, so you can't play games or watch videos or create spreadsheets or text documents or save pictures. But it will talk back to you. Of course, I have a wife who talks back to me, so the Echo is a little redundant.
And finally the wife got me a smoking jacket. I mean, like a real, velvet smoking jacket with the padded, embroidered collar and silk lining. Just like something Cary Grant, or maybe Groucho Marx would wear while smoking a Turkish cigarette in a cigarette holder.
Christmas afternoon we were heading out the door to visit the wife's parents for dinner, and since my father-in-law is an inveterate smoker I figured I would bring my new jacket along to show it off. The wife stopped me short.
"You're bringing your new jacket?"
"Sure," I said. "Why not?"
"Because," she argued, "it's gonna end up smelling like smoke!"
Laugh it up,
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"A restaurant here in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it, 'Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys kung fu but then they turned on him using their best kung fu moves. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times only teach your monkeys your worst Kung Fu moves." -Conan O'Brien
"Scientists said yesterday that the T. rex may have had teeth serrated like a steak knife, which may have helped it eat meat more efficiently. Experts believe the T. rex evolved the knife-like teeth after having so much trouble using regular silverware." -Seth Meyers
When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.
At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."
As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."
"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend.
"I'm seriously considering it, but I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."