December 24, 2018
Good morning crew,
After last week I am looking forward to Christmas, I can tell you that much. But it's not for the holiday spirit, or the good cheer, it's not for the gift-giving or the warmth of human charity.
No, Christmas is one of the few occasions I can start drinking before noon without somebody trying to stage an intervention.
But to you I wish a happy holiday, whatever you celebrate and however you celebrate it. Remember, keeping a little goodwill and charity in your heart will go a long way.
A couple beers probably wouldn't hurt either.
Laugh it up,
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"According to a new report, the cost of all the gifts listed in 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' song is up $233 from last year. Man, that Lords a Leaping union is killing us." -Conan O'Brien
"A novelty shop is selling a hipster nativity scene that features Joseph with his hair in a man bun. Which explains why Mary was so adamant about remaining a virgin." -Seth Meyers
"Christmas is that magical time of the year when we're forced to spend money we don't want to spend to travel to places we don't want to go to see the people we really don't want to see." -Jimmy Kimmel
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don't EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you....
Things NOT To Say When Hanging Christmas Lights
--"You've got two red lights right next to each other. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"
--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
--"Give me that!!"
--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"
--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
--"Have you been drinking?!!?"
--"Okaaay! Looks like we're *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey... wait a minute, where's the cat?"
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"