December 09, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the ironing board. She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room door and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing, like one of my dress shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing.
She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me and declared, "TZ, you need to go out and buy me a new ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's legs open."
"Now you know what I have to deal with," I responded.
"What was that?" she shot back.
"I said, 'I'll go right after dinner.'"
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When a lesbian cock-blocks another lesbian: Beaver Dam.
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A Catholic buddy of mine was telling me about his recent trip to confession.
"It was surreal," he said. "I went into the confessional and said, 'forgive me father for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession and in that time I've been impatient with my wife and children.'
The priest issued a penance of 5 Our Fathers and absolved me. I was so shocked," he said, "that I blurted, 'Wow, Father, that's a nice, light penance.'
The priest said, "Well, it's not like you were butt-fucking.'"
My girlfriend just became a really famous Internet porn star.
She's gonna be really pissed when she finds out.
One hot summer day, a blonde woman came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Ten minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
The blonde said it was hers. "Your dog seems to be in heat," the officer said.
The blonde replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said the blonde. "My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning."
The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!"
The blonde looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."