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December 05, 2018

Good morning crew,

Gifts 4 HerThis morning somebody was passing a hat around the office with names in it for a 'Secret Santa' drawing. You know how this game goes; you pull a name and then you have to buy little gifts for that person in secret every day for a week, until the last day when you reveal to that person that you were his or her 'secret' Santa.

Anyway, she offered me the hat and cautioned me, "Make sure you don't pick your own name!"

And I immediately thought, 'Why?'

I would be the best secret Santa for me. Every day would be the perfect gift. One day a bottle of scotch would appear on my desk. The next day a bag of groceries containing everything I just so happen to be short of. The day after that a package of underwear.

I don't see any of the stiffs in this office taking that kind of care with gift-buying.

So I decided to beg off of the secret Santa and just go shopping tonight.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man. His descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo sapiens.

If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself on this test:

1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.

2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five points.

3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.

4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.

5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself five points.

6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten points.

7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? Take five points.

8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for every five degrees of slope.

9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.

10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every inch of difference.

11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.

12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.

13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're normal--no points.

14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? Add five points.

15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points.

16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give yourself ten points.

17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? Take five more points.

18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? Three points.

Scroll down for your score...


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Scoring:

0-20 points:
You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.

20-40 points:
A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.

40-60 points:
You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.

60-80 points:
Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.

80-100 points:
Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. Try running for public office instead.

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the bad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left.

"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did.

But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.

"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear, "one more time."

"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"