November 26, 2018

Good morning crew,

It's started. The Christmas music. And it's hard to get away from, too. I used to love Christmas music, but it has been years since I have been able to tolerate most of it.

Maybe it's things like dogs barking Jingle Bells. I don't know.

But this dislike is kindled to hatred whenever I hear Christmas music used in advertising. I feel like a part of my childhood has been hijacked. It just doesn't seem right that I should think about toiletries when I hear 'Ring Christmas Bells'.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A new scientific study shows rats are capable of laughter if they are tickled the correct way. The rats were like, 'Why aren't you trying to cure cancer?'" -Seth Meyers

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"In the U.K., they're launching an official Quidditch League, with eight teams competing across the country. It's the first sports league where everyone has an equal chance of being a loser." -Conan O'Brien

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"McDonald's is unveiling something called a Nutella burger at its locations in Italy. This goes against the traditional way of eating Nutella, which is with two fingers in the dark while crying at 3 a.m." -James Corden

***

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it.

If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.