November 22, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
Frequently I have the Thanksgiving weekend to myself because my wife loads up the kids and goes down to visit her kin. But this year she broke with tradition and said, "Wouldn't it be fun to host Thanksgiving this year?"
I said, "If we host my family, then yes. If we host your family, then no. If we host both, then fuck no."
That was two weeks ago and Tugboat TZ hasn't pulled into Tuna-town since.
No pussy before hosting a big holiday is not a good thing for a man. He starts to get goofy ideas like, 'I wonder if my mother-in-law ever had a thumb up her ass?' or 'My recently divorced cousin is giving me the eye--what is the exact definition of incest and how big a sin is it?'
So ladies, don't do your man ugly during the holidays. Treat him nice so that the only thing he's thinking about is that goofy look on your face when you get off.
Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: firstname.lastname@example.org
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"The World Giving Index released a report yesterday that found for the first time ever, men are more likely than women to donate money to charity. And even MORE likely to donate to Charity's friends Crystal, Bambi, and Cinnamon." -Jimmy Fallon
So my wife recently got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. It's really pretty, and functional too. When I put my ear to it I can smell the ocean.
"A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it's just a pigeon staring at your boobs." -Seth Meyers
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement. Remember these guidelines for future reference.