November 21, 2018

Good morning crew,

After last Easter, when I prepared twelve pounds of food for 4 people, I determined that the next time I hosted a holiday meal my watchword would be 'prudence'.

Well, that didn't stick. Tomorrow, in addition to a 19 pound turkey, I already have 4 side dishes planned, and I'm thinking about adding a fifth (glazed carrots) just to add some more color to the table.

And I already know I'm going to regret it, just like I did the day after Easter (it took me a solid week to eat all of that ham), but I can't help myself. I get carried away.

On the plus side, I get to be experimental. Most of this stuff I never make normally, so I get to try out new recipes and foods I've never made before while using my wife's family as guinea pigs.

That reminds me, I need to pick up some Alka-Seltzer.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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Sold Out In Stores - We Have Them! CLICK HERE for a Big Discount! Just in time for the Holidays

"Turns out that it's not the turkey that makes you sleepy - it's being drunk at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"The good people at Butterball have been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981. Every year the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not once been able to save a turkey's life." -Stephen Colbert

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"The TSA just released a list of Thanksgiving leftovers that you can carry on and others you have to check, saying you can bring turkey on the plane but not gravy. Which will explain things when you're at airport security and you see a bunch of people chugging their gravy next to a trash can." -Jimmy Fallon

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[Supposedly a true story, but who knows? Who keeps chloroform in the house?]

A woman who got it into her head that a fresh turkey produced a far superior meal to a frozen one made a trek out to a turkey farm to buy a live bird. But after returning home and looking square into the eyes of the living, breathing creature she'd just purchased, she just couldn't bring herself to kill it by wringing its neck or chopping off its head. Instead, she managed to put the turkey to sleep with chloroform and then began the process of dry-plucking it. Just as she finished removing the last of the feathers, however, the bird woke up.

The next-door neighbors responded to her shouts and arrived at her back door to find a woman being chased around her kitchen by an angry, naked turkey.

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

Here's a killer turkey recipe, with a foolproof self-timer. It's impossible to mess this up. You'll get a perfectly cooked turkey every time.

Preheat the oven to 325. Prepare the turkey, basting it with salt, garlic, butter, and black pepper. In a bowl, combine equal parts stuffing mix and popcorn. (Yes, popcorn.)

Fill the turkey's cavity with the mixture. Lay the turkey in a greased roasting pan.

Insert the turkey into the oven, with the neck pointing inward. This is very important.

Do not concern yourself with roasting time. When the turkey's rear end blows the oven door open, it's done.