November 16, 2018
Good morning crew,
After the last issue of Clean Laffs a reader named Bob sent me the following,
"You can use a hammer and a tee shirt to crush the ice, and a paint stirring attachment and an electric drill when making margaritas in a bucket."
Bob, if you need a bucket and an electric drill to make margaritas, then you've got a problem. And I think I can help you solve it. Where are you located? I'll bring a bottle of Patron.
Laugh it up,
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"I think the bottom-line difference between being single and married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the house." --Tom Hertz
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, "Don't shoot!"
The hunter responded, "Don't quack."
I'd never had surgery, and I was nervous. "This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure," the anesthesiologist reassured me. I started to feel better until he continued, "Heck, you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery."
Honest Brand Slogans
Hallmark: "When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation."
Ritz crackers: "Tiny, edible plates."
CliffsNotes: "They're still going to know you didn't read the book."
Gillette: "We're just going to keep adding blades."
ChapStick: "You'll misplace it before the tube's empty."
Hot Pockets: "Every bite is a different temperature."
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the bathroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restrooms.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them 'No, I'm a little busy right now!'
Then I hear the person say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps talking to me.'