November 12, 2018

Good morning crew,

In my mind I had dedicated this weekend to giving the yard one last, good cleanup before the really cold weather starts.

If I had had to tackle that carpet of leaves with a rake I would probably still be out there, but thanks to a little trick I stumbled upon I was able to get most of it done AND still fit in plenty of beer-drinking time.

It occurred to me that if I can mow grass and suck up all the clipping into the collection bag, I can mow leaves. It worked like a charm. Oh, it wasn't perfect. A lot of the little leaves get stuck in the grass and won't come up, but from a distance it looks great. Say, from the neighbor's yard across the street.

But even with the aid of the power mower is was a chore. There was one section I was really dreading; and that was all of the landscaping stones around the back fence. They were blanketed with a thick layer of leaves and I certainly couldn't run the mower over them (although I thought about it).

Normally I would just have to spend hours on my knees, picking up all of those cold, wet leaves out of the stones by hand. Handful after handful.

Fortunately I have a secret weapon. Last year my father-in-law bought me a combination leaf blower and vacuum. To be perfectly honest I completely forgot I had it stashed away in the garage until I was staring at the mess of rotting leaves and wondering how in the hell I was going to clean them up.

After a few frustrating minutes of assembling the thing by following the pictures on the box, I finally got it plugged in and ready to go.

Rarely have I spent a more enjoyable hour using a power tool. It has a big suction tube about 3 feet long, so I didn't have to bend over. I just stood there sweeping the tube back and forth and watching the leaves magically disappear. It was very satisfying.

It was so much fun to use now I'm looking for something else to use it on. I wonder if it'll suck up dog poop.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"A new study suggests that ancient cave art from 40,000 years ago was mostly done by women. So even back then men didn't have a say in decorating." -Jimmy Fallon

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"There's an event company that specializes in fake weddings. The idea is that many young people don't want to get married but they do want a wedding, so the company puts on a fake ceremony and a fake reception. I can't imagine writing 'Will attend' on an RSVP for a fake wedding. There are already weddings for people who don't want to get married - they're called weddings." -Jimmy Kimmel

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"The FDA is currently debating whether the chocolate hazelnut topping Nutella should be classified as a dessert or a spread. Which is ridiculous. Nutella isn't a dessert or a spread, it's a cry for help." -James Corden

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On our way to the ski hill, my friend's children decided to "find me a man" by the end of the day.

The kids did their best to let it be known I was unmarried and to introduce me to anyone who was skiing alone and therefore, in their minds, single.

To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged off on their own. I then made my way to the chair lift. As I moved near the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age said "Excuse me, but are you single?"

Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm really not looking to get married."

He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift with."

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

Because of the reaction people have when they wake up and realize it's a workday again and the weekend is over, the first day of the week is called Moanday.

Many people too busy to cook on the second day of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as Tootsday.

By the third day of the week, people are wondering when they can ever find the time to get everything done this week that they need to, hence the day is known as Whensday.

Too bleary to even count properly, people think it's only Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it's er- roneously called Thirdsday.

On the last day of the workweek, people often go out "for a few" after work. By the time they get home, they're too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That's why the day is known as Fryday.

Saturday night all the singles let loose. There's a lot of sexual hijinks. It's pretty obvious why the day is called Satyrday.

And on the last day of the week--and the weekend--people look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn't get crossed off, groan aloud, and make themselves promises they won't keep. Therefore the day is called Soonday.