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November 10, 2018

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Deals2018Stories of giant, mutant alligators lurking in the sewers of New York City (and some other dense urban centers) go all the way back to the 1930s. Then, just like now, morons liked to buy novelty pets, like baby alligators, and raise them in fish tanks. Of course, when the alligator grew too large for comfort, the pet owner would do the responsible thing and flush the reptile down the toilet. Supposedly, then, the gators would reside in the sewers, feeding on rats and garbage, and grow to giant size.

Fortunately, these stories were never proven to be true. Probably because it freezes in New York for three or four months out of the year, and alligators don't respond very well to being frozen.

But there is a place that does have favorable conditions, plenty of warmth, moisture and undeveloped land, and plenty of morons who buy exotic pets they can't take care of and then turn them loose into the environment. That place is called Florida and judging from some of the stories that have been coming up, Florida is turing into the Land of the Lost.

Just last week a massive Asian water monitor lizard was captured by wildlife officers after spending months on the loose in a Florida neighborhood. Not lost in a swamp somewhere, but lurking around a suburban neighborhood. Officers captured the 6-foot-long lizard after it escaped from a woman's home in August and was repeatedly spotted in a neighbor family's yard. How would you like to find a 6-foot-long lizard under one of your bushes when you let your dog out in the back yard?

But while 6 feet is big, it is not nightmare-inducing like the giant Burmese python that was bagged recently by a hunter on land owner by the South Florida Water Management District in Miami-Dade County.

Apparently the county has such a problem with the killer snakes, they have instituted a Python Elimination Program. The district said the total number of snakes eliminated since the program began last year has risen to 1,859.

But this last one was a record-setter. The district shared a photo of the hunter, Kyle Penniston, posing with the 17-foot, 5-inch monster.

At this point the only things Florida is missing are a few dinosaurs and some Sleestaks.


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Man Humiliates Bear in Front of Her Cubs

A North Carolina man who survived a bear attack with only minor scrapes and bruises said he repeatedly punched the animal in the face. Sonny Pumphrey, 78, said he was in his driveway when a mother bear and her two cubs approached his house. Pumphrey said the cubs ran off when they saw him, but the mother bear attacked. "She made a charging dead run at me. That sucker was eyeball to eyeball to me," he told local news. He said the bear then bit him and he retaliated by repeatedly hitting the predator in the head. "Only thing I could do was to punch her right in the nose," Pumphrey said. His wife, Betty, and the couple's Yorkie dog came outside to investigate the commotion and their appearance caused the mother bear to flee. Pumphrey said he was lucky to walk away with only minor injuries. "I could have been dead. I could have been really cut up bad," he said.

America: Speed Bumps. Australia: Speed Trees?

Learn more about RevenueStripe...
Here's a brilliant idea, mate. The local council for the City of Stirling in Western Australia has come up with a unique solution to slow down speeding drivers. They have planted over 40 trees. In the middle of the roads. The city's mayor, Mark Irwin, said, "The aim of the project is to encourage drivers to adopt lower speeds, discourage non-local through traffic, reduce the speed and volume of traffic using the residential streets, and provide more walkable pedestrian and bike riding areas." Well, the locals did ask for it. The initiative was adopted after residents raised concerns about dangerous drivers. That'll teach 'em. One resident posted on social media, 'First safety cameras. Now safety trees. In the middle of the road. To prevent accidents. So proud to be Australian.' Well, it's not like Australians have a reputation for drinking, so dodging trees while weaving down the road in the middle of the night shouldn't be a problem.


Lewis, Do people not look where they are going to sit down anymore? I am pretty sure that I would have noticed if there was Poop in the seat I was about to sit down in. People need to put their phones and tablets down and pay attention to what is happening around them. -Gary

I really like the interesting story that Bizarre comes up with! I use to get this column about 10 years ago. Great 2 find it again!
[Welcome back.]

How the hell did that New Zealander 'catch' a baby? Did a hook go through one of his butt cheeks? Anyway, if they have anything like DCFS in New Zealand there is a perfect example of an unsafe home environment.

If an 18-month-old was under the weight limit for ocean fishing, would he have had to throw him back?