November 09, 2018
Good morning crew,
It was pretty cold last night. In the 30s. I was sitting outside in the backyard, nursing a beer while I watched the dog sniff around the yard, when I started thinking about something my big brother Nino once told me.
Over the years he has taught me a few things. He taught me how to ride a motorcycle (well, he showed me where the clutch and the brake are), he taught me how to sail, but one of his many pearls of wisdom that really struck me in that moment was this...
He taught me that the big advantage of drinking outside in freezing weather is that your beer never gets warm.
Laugh it up,
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"I saw a new study that says that eating over 1,500 pieces of candy corn could actually kill you. Which shouldn't be a problem since the current record for eating a piece of candy corn is two." -Jimmy Fallon
"It was National Stress Awareness day today and due to the election, plenty of people have something to be stressed about. In fact, when asked on a scale of one to 10 how stressed they are right now, most voters punched the pollster in the face." -James Corden
"A skydiver uploaded a video of himself jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik's cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket." -Seth Meyers
Who knew hanging pictures could be so easy!
The Tap Hanger allows you to hang pictures in just minutes - Buy Now
A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four foreign languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
Little Johnny's mother overheard him reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch..."
"Johnny!" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use those kinds of words."
"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Johnny's mother called the teacher to complain. "Oh, heavens," said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'"