November 01, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
This morning one of the girls in the office was talking about how she won every one of her games at her bowling league last night.
"Normally I don't drink while I'm bowling," she was saying, "but last night I had a couple of Amaretto Stone Sours and I was unstoppable! Maybe I should have a few drinks every bowling night. Who knows, I could be one of those drunk bowlers."
"What the hell is a drunk bowler?" I interjected.
"You know," she answereed, "one of those people who get better at something after a few drinks. I guess it makes you more relaxed, or something, and improves your performance."
"I guess it's possible," I said. "That could be why so many of the girls I dated in college called me a drunk fucker."
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Went to a nice, local restaurant/bar with my girlfriend last night. But the regulars were shouting "pedophile!" and "pervert!" and other terrible names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
It just dawned on me why Mayberry from 'The Andy Griffith Show' was so peaceful and quiet; nobody was married!
Here are the single people that come to mind. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, the Darlin family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara... in fact, the only one married was Otis, and he was the town drunk.
I was viciously attacked by a woman in an elevator. I was in the elevator when she got in.
I was casually staring at her big, jiggly boobs when she said, "Would you press '1' please?"
So I did... and I don't remember much afterwards, but I guess I pressed the wrong one!
Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on the future.
One says to the other, "You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a few kind words at me grave."
The other friend responds, "That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. But should it be I who should happen to go first, for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over me grave."
The friend responds, "That I'll do. That I'll do. But would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass through me kidneys first?"