October 22, 2018

Good morning crew,

The party on Saturday went off pretty much as expected. We had a few guests drop out at the last minute, but the diehard bon vivants who did show up were dedicated enough to plow through most of the food and alcohol.

We did have a few stressful minutes in the early afternoon when the wind kicked up and it actually started hailing and snowing outside. The wife and I were standing in the kitchen watching 40 mile-an-hour gusts whipping hail against the windows while the power lines swung around like a giant jump rope.

I told the wife, "If the power goes out we're going to have a real authentic Halloween party, 'cause we're all going to be sitting in the dark and drinking warm beer by candlelight."

But the squall blew over in a half hour, and by late afternoon the sun was even out again.

Incredibly enough, the graveyard I had spent about six hours erecting on the front lawn actually stayed put through the storm.

Friday night I had bought 30 or so feet of white picket trim to create a little fence around my graveyard. At 8 o'clock Saturday morning I was out on the front lawn with a hammer and a pipe, pounding holes in the grass that I could seat the trim in. It took me a good hour to plant all of those pickets about six inches deep.

The wife, of course, poked fun at me for putting so much effort into a cheap decoration that I am just going to pull up again in a couple weeks anyway.

But there were no jokes when we went out in the front yard and everything was still right where I put it.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"The TSA is cracking down on the so-called comfort animals, the ones people bring on the plane because they claim to be too nervous to fly alone. The airlines have had enough and they only want trained service animals to be allowed on the planes. I don't blame them. Have you been on an airplane recently? It's like a Noah's Ark of Chihuahuas and Maltipoos. If you're so emotionally unstable that you need to hold a poodle to get on a plane, maybe you shouldn't get on a plane." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
"The NYPD is apparently teaching its officers how to be more polite. It's true last time I got frisked, the cop was like, 'Have you lost weight?'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"According to a new study, men are naturally programmed to want more than one woman even when in monogamous relationships. And the scientists who conducted the study want to know if they can crash on your couch for a while." -Seth Meyers

***

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!"

"Oh?" says the mother, amused. "And how old is Janie?"

"Six," replies the boy.

"Well," says the father, "what are you going to do for money?"

"I get 5 dollars a week allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we'll be okay."

"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have any children?"

"Well," says the boy, "so far we've been lucky."