October 10, 2018
Good morning crew,
The wife finally found a couples' costume we're both happy with. Gomez and Patricia Addams from The Addams Family.
Last Saturday the wife spent about an hour forcing herself into a pair of fishnet stockings, a skin-tight black dress and a wig, and then invested about 20 bucks worth of make-up to transform herself into TV's most beloved, melanin-deficient 'goth' homemaker.
I, on the other hand, spent ten minutes in front of the bathroom mirror shaving 5 days worth of stubble down to a pencil mustache and parting my hair down the middle. I then put on a suit and stuck a cigar between my teeth and voila!
I have to admit, the wife did look awesome, and we won the costume contest at the party that night. That just shows you what properly groomed facial hair can accomplish.
Laugh it up,
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"I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito." -Mitch Hedberg
"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?" --Lisa Claymen
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." --Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
My plumber has a stupid sense of humor.