Sunday, September 30, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
About two weeks ago I felt a few painful twinges and a dull ache around my kidney. I took notice because last year I was taking a leak and a little black rock shot out of my dick. I felt so lucky because I passed a kidney stone with absolutely zero discomfort or pain. So when I felt those twinges I thought, "Uh oh! The next stone is not going to be so easy."
I played golf that Sunday and during a swing on the second hole something happened and I was suddenly in a lot of pain.
"Do you want to go home?" one of the guys asked me.
"I ain't no pussy," I said and finished the miserable round.
I'm a water drinker by nature. Not a lot of anything but water, coffee and the occasional cup of tea I share with my wife. Thinking I had either a stone or an infection I began pounding the water and cranberry juice. I was pissing more than Leslie Nielsen in the movie The Naked Gun.
So after a few days of that I decided to go to the doctor...but I don't have a doctor. So I went to the emergency room thinking I'd save a step. They took me right away because kidney problems are dangerous. I pissed in a cup, gave my vitals and answered the doctor's questions.
"No, it doesn't hurt when I pee."
"Does this hurt?" he asked as he lightly tapped my kidney.
"How about this?" he said as he dug his thumb into my kidney.
"Ouch! Hey! What the fuck is wrong with you?" slipped out.
He took off his gloves, looked me in the eye and said, "We'll wait for the results of your urine test but there's nothing wrong with your kidney. You have a pulled muscle. Get dressed and go home you big pussy."
When I got back to the office I told Lewis what happened. He confirmed that yes, I am a big pussy.
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"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." --Terry Pratchett
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home-owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
'Be strong. I love you, too!'
I just read that on average, an adult U.S. male will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is very upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese!
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."