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Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Good morning crew,

When I got into work this morning somebody asked me how I was doing today.

I said, "You know what life is like; every day is an adventure. As soon as the alarm goes off in the morning I leap out of bed - literally leap! I cannot wait to get out in the world and find out what kind of excitement is in store for me. It's like living on a perpetual adrenaline high."

The person frowned at me and said, "You come here and sit at a desk every day."

"So, don't ask stupid questions," I told him.

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"Starbucks yesterday announced plans to build 10,000 eco-friendly stores by 2025, which means America will have to add more street corners." -Seth Meyers

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"Weight Watchers announced it's changing its name. They've changed their name to 'Screw It, Have the Fudge.'" -Conan O'Brien

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"There are lots of foreign leaders here in New York City for the U.N. It's that special time of year when New Yorkers get road rage, then realize they just flipped off the king of Norway." -Jimmy Fallon

***

ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAMS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down.

Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?"

The young mother replied honestly, "The luggage, no; the children, yes."