Subscribe to CLEAN LAFFS
Subscibe to DEAL OF THE DAY

Monday, September 24, 2018

Good morning crew,

Yesterday was the Autumnal Equinox. That means today is the first day of fall, folks. Yet another summer has withered in its pride.

But I didn't let it go out completely uncelebrated. One of our local bars here has a seasonal pig roast and their honorary pit master is none other than my own brother. Well, he does have a complete collection of custom made carving knives including a 10-inch butcher's cleaver, so he's very popular with the local pig roasting community.

So the wife and I got to spend a few pleasant hours Saturday afternoon sipping beer and eating roast pork, literally right off the spit.

Then we spent the evening at our local Oktoberfest where we sampled some microbrews and even danced a couple sloppy polkas. Somehow, one of our neighbors that we happened to meet there managed to talk the wife into going on one of the carnival rides they had at the fest. But one look at the creaky, rusting contraptions, spinning and grinding away unsteadily in the middle of the crowded parking lot, and I decided I would keep the pound of roast pork and potato salad I had eaten earlier, not to mention several Oktoberfest beers, right where they were.

If the wife lost her lunch, that wasn't my responsibility.

Laugh it up,


P.S. Did you miss an issue? You can read every issue from the Gophercentral library of newsletters on our exhaustive archives page. Thousands of issues, all of your favorite publications in chronological order. You can read AND comment. Just click GopherArchives

"The 2020 Olympics are in Tokyo, and I saw that Japan wants to light the Olympic Torch with a flying car. Whether it works or not, by the end of the ceremony, something will be on fire." -Jimmy Fallon


"A team of scientists recently completed an experiment studying the effects of the drug MDMA on octopuses. Which is part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD." -Seth Meyers


"Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober." -Conan O'Brien


Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!" he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."