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Thursday, September 20, 2018

Greetings Laff Lovers,

It's funny how a person changes as they grow older. Let's take me as an example. My fantasies used to revolve around doing things to my wife, having her do things to me, having her and other women do things to each other. Now? Well, now I just fantasize about being left the fuck alone for an hour without being bothered to referee an argument, fix something around the house or give somebody money.

Damn! My folks didn't have all this shit to deal with. They were busy hating each other. The first time I came home with the conference championship medal and bracket sheet my dad asked, "What's that?"

I told him I won it in wrestling. He said, "You wrestle?"

Now I travel to bum-fuck Illinois for this event or that. I thought it would get easier as the kids got older, but the distances to travel just got farther. I need time to reconnect with myself. Time to get back to fantasizing about normal, debased sexual encounters.

Well, if I'm being completely honest I must divulge a fantasy that has endured the years. I'm a high school senior delivering a packet to the young and beautiful school counselor. I walk in and she's in a leotard doing the Jane Fonda Workout. She's at the stage where she's on her back pushing her hips high into the air.

My eyes automatically go to her pronounced cameltoe. I look back up at her face and she's smiling at me. "Do you have a package for me?" she coos.

"I do," I say as I unzip my jeans...

If you want me to finish the story you'll have to email me privately.



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"Republicans say the economy is bad. So bad, in New York over on Park Avenue, I saw a woman with real breasts and a fake Gucci bag." -Jimmy Fallon

[Thanks to Laff-a-Day reader Brian L. for this gem.]

a 60 old woman decided she needed to spice things up with her husband. She remembered when they were first married, in their 20s, she would go braless and he couldn't keep his hands off of her. So she goes into the bedroom and takes off her bra and puts her blouse back on, then goes to the living room and stands between the TV and her husband.

She asks, "So! What do you think?"

He says, "Oh my goodness. you look 40 years younger!"

She asks, "Do you really think so?"

He says, "Yes. Your tits are sagging so much that it's pulled all the wrinkles out of your face."

"A controversial 1,200-year-old document has been found that shows evidence that Jesus was married. I don't believe it. What married guy gets to spend all his free time with his 12 buddies?" -Conan O'Brien

A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework."

The robot slaps the son.

"Ok! Ok! I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." And the robot slaps him again.

The son says, "Alright, already! We were watching porn."

"What!?" Yells Dad. "At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot promptly slaps Dad.

"Ha!" laughs Mom, "he certainly is your son."

And the robot slaps the mom.