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Thursday, September 13, 2018

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Some friends stopped by with their kids and the topic of school came up. The kids were excited and were telling us how their first days went. One 3rd grader's bus got lost for an hour, the 6th grader didn't get all her books and the high school students complained about already receiving excessive homework.

"Just be sure you are prepared," my wife stated. "If you simply stay on top of your homework your school life will be much less stressful. It's no secret that the kids who don't procrastinate are the kids who get the good grades."

"Yeah, kids," I interjected, "my lovely wife always had her homework done early-with extra credit-and she was at the top of her class. Even on the bus on the way to school she would be counting her pencils to make sure she had enough, and she would be sure to have extra paper just in case.

"And look where it got her. Now she's married to me."

"Wow!" the kids said. "How about you, Mr. Z? What were you like in school?"

"Me? Well, I was a little more distracted. I would sit and try to remember if I had wiped my ass that morning. 'Did I wipe my ass? I'm feeling a bit cheesy...'"



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"I heard that South Korea has stress cafes where people can go to take a break from their day, or as they are known here in America, bars." -Jimmy Fallon

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave! Get out of this house!" she ordered. "I never want to see you again!"

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

"In Oregon, a number of brewers are competing to turn sewer water into beer. The brewer said, 'Hey, if Bud Light can do it, we can do it.'" -Conan O'Brien

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "WIFI", not "wife".

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