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Monday, September 10, 2018

Good morning crew,

The wife and I were sitting in the backyard Sunday afternoon enjoying a drink together when I started lamenting that I had let yet another weekend slip by without finishing, or even making progress on, any of the many projects that still need to be done around the house.

The wife, ever optimistic, said, "There's always next weekend."

"Yeah, but what happens when next weekend comes and goes and nothing gets done?"

"Then there's always next year."

"At this rate," I observed, "we're going to get the house finished just the way we want it the year before I drop dead."

"Just as long as it gets done," concluded the wife.

Laugh it up,


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"Fantasy Football began tonight. It's a fun way for people who are bad at real sports to realize that they're also bad at imaginary sports." -Jimmy Fallon


"Thousands of bugs have been stolen from the Philadelphia Insectarium. Thieves made off with more than 7,000 bugs, including millipedes, rhinoceros roaches and venomous spiders valued at more than $40,000. I get why people steal, but what's the plan after a theft like this? You walk around the street going, 'Wanna buy some bugs?'" -Jimmy Kimmel


"According to another study, chocolate chip cookie addiction shares many similarities with cocaine addiction. Researchers say sugar can give you some of the same cravings that cocaine can give. And I say, it is actually worse for you. Like, believe me, try getting an entire chocolate chip cookie up your nose." -James Corden


A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She had made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they had eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she had polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.

"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.