Sunday, September 2, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
The other day I saw Clean Laffs Joe staring blankly at his desktop in an apparent stupor, so I went over and put my hand on his shoulder.
He jumped like a jackrabbit and gasped, "Jesus H. Christ... What in the hell are you doing!?"
"Take it easy buddy," I cautioned him. "You're gonna give yourself a heart attack. Are you all right?"
"Yeah, yeah," he said trying to catch his breath.
"You sure? You look a little out of it."
"Eh, just life. You know; stress, bills, marriage."
"Did your wife catch you going to that all night bathhouse again?"
"No," he grumbled. "I mean, I don't go to bathhouses. I'm fine. It just hasn't been a good week."
"You need to learn to suck the juice out of life," I told him.
"Yeah, well, all I've been sucking out of life lately is vinegar."
But my advice may have gotten to him. Later that day when I walked past his desk I caught him reading up about bathhouses.
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A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also drank all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
In the bar the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bathtub. The answer, of course, being...throw in your wash.
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said, "I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said, "I Sorry, buddy. Did he drown?"
"No," he replied, "He choked on a sock."
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said. "No. I hate myself now."
Jack goes to his friend Joe and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Joe doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Joe starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Joe what he's really up to.
Joe, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Joe's shoulder and says, "If I were you I'd hurry home right now. Because my wife died a year ago."