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Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Sure, the price of meat has been going up lately, but even still, fitting 100 bucks worth of steaks down your pants has got to be uncomfortable. But I'm starting this story backwards.

The Nash County Sheriff's Office of North Carolina said a man managed to steal $100 worth of steaks from a Walmart in Nashville by stuffing them down his pants. They even posted a picture of the meat. The man then fled the scene on a moped.

He made his getaway on a moped in the pouring rain. When deputies pulled him over, they found at least 10 packages of steak stuffed down the man's pants. The sheriff's office posted a photo of the steaks laid out on the hood of a deputy's cruiser, along with photos of the arrest.

There is a kind of poetry to the scene. A man, alone on his moped in the rain. With 10 steaks in his pants.

The sheriff's office did not identify the man and didn't say what was done with the recovered steaks. At that point you might as well let him keep the meat. Nobody else is going to eat it.


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It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Chokes To Death

A man who was charged with murder for killing his girlfriend with his manhood will walk free. 65-year-old Richard Henry Patterson of Florida was charged with second-degree murder after his girlfriend died while they were having sex. Patterson claimed that 60-year-old Francisca Marquinez died after accidentally choking on his manhood. An autopsy confirmed that Marquinez died of asphyxiation after she choked on Patterson's privates. It was also determined that there was no sign of a struggle. Patterson's attorney asked the judge to allow the jury to see his client's manhood, but the judge declined. [That would have been a first in American jurisprudence.] After hearing the case the jury determined that the death was an accident and Patterson was found not guilty. [Can you imagine the obituary?]


*-------- $600 Gamble Wins Man $10,000 ---------*

With a strategy that kind of takes of fun out of things, a Delaware man's $600 gamble paid off when he bought an entire book of scratch-off tickets and won a $10,000 jackpot. Andrew Dera told Delaware Lottery officials he was at the Shop & Stop store when the $250 Grand MegaMillions scratch-off tickets caught his attention. "I've never seen a $25 ticket before, so I thought, why not," he said, "I had a gut feeling about this one." Dera forked out $600 to buy an entire book of 24 tickets at $25 each. The lucky player said his 11th ticket was the big winner. "I scratched the doubler and saw $5,000 and hit the brakes. I had to do a double take. I still can't believe it," he said. "It'll make it easier for a while," he added.

*-------------- READER COMMENTS --------------*

No tariffs on tuna and catnip, Lewis? I'm not so certain. If that cat has the same mentality as our current president, who knows what might happen.
[Is that an insult to the cat or the president?]

Charges were dropped on the driveway robber as he came clean. -Gene

Wasn't there a Simpson's episode about getting high from licking toads? There are a lot of stupid kids in the world. I think if this 'myth' were real there would be a lot of weirdoes out there molesting amphibians. You can always tell the toad-lickers by all the warts on their tongues.

*----------- END OF READER COMMENTS ----------*