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Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Good morning crew,

Today is Independence Day. Huzzah for the Republic! I hope you are having a fun and safe holiday today.

As a special Fourth of July treat I'm going to tell you how to make your very own launch vehicle using nothing more than a soup can, a few fire-crackers and a little water.

This is something we used to do as kids after we promised our parents we wouldn't play with firecrackers, so I'm warning you before-hand, DO NOT blow your fingers off! And if you happen to live in a state where fireworks are prohibited... you'll just have to move.

So you take your soup can (with only one end removed) and using a Philips head screw-driver puncture a small hole in the solid end as near to the center as you can manage.

Into this hole place your firecracker (with the wick on the outside of the can, of course). The fit should be as tight as possible. If you've made the hole too big, I'm sorry, you'll have to start over with a new can.

When we were feeling like real rocket scientists, as kids, we would seal the firecracker in the hole with candle wax, but there is really not much improvement in performance.

Once you have your rocket complete, place the assembly in a shallow pan of water in an open area, ignite your propellant, and TAKE COVER!

If you've done everything right you should get 15-20 feet of altitude out of it. And if you want to send a passenger up you can tape a little, green army guy to the can, but this will throw off the trajectory.

Laugh it up,


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"Today, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced after 30 years on the bench, he's retiring. He's 81 years old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day." -Jimmy Fallon


"I think all these storms are God's way of sending us a message. I think that message is that when warm humid air masses surge northward from the Gulf of Mexico and combine with a strong jet stream, it can result in severe weather conditions." -Jimmy Kimmel


"According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'" -Conan O'Brien


During lunch, an ad for a lending institution came on the television set in our employees' lounge. As the commercial extolled the pleasures of extra money, I remarked that there was no such thing as "extra" money.

"Yes, there is," my supervisor retorted. "It's what you have right before your car breaks down."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, unfortunately, she just walked in."