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Monday, July 2, 2018

Good morning crew,

When I set myself a task I don't like to make it easy on myself.

Two days ago on Saturday it topped out around 96 or 97 degrees, and that was the day I decided to empty my garage of its entire contents and pressure wash the floor.

It needed to be done, but I wouldn't have been so motivated to do it immediately if I didn't have people coming over for a backyard cookout on Independence Day.

It took over three hours just to drag everything out onto the patio where it made a startlingly large pile. We've only been in the house four years but I felt like a hoarder looking at all of the paraphernalia (for lack of a better word) that I have already accumulated.

On the plus side, I was able to discard some things and consolidate others, so the place is a lot more organized and less cluttered than it was. And after scouring the floor with a hundred gallons or so of high pressure water people will be able to walk through the place without their feet sticking to the floor.

Which is important, because if the forecast of thunderstorms doesn't change there are going to be about 20 people in there eating soggy hotdogs and hamburgers on the Fourth.

With all of the sorting and organizing and cleaning and repacking, it took me just about an 8-hour day. And the wife even made it home from work early enough to put in a couple hours of help. That mostly consisted of helping me drink beer, but it was still nice to have the support.

Laugh it up,


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Q: Why is the longest human nose on record only 11 inches long?

A: Because otherwise it would be a foot.


6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.


My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all
the letters I was hiding.

She got so mad she told me she's never playing Scrabble with
me again.


Camping Tips

Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?

A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you how many men are required to erect the tent if they are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.

Q. Where should I go camping?

A. The United States has a spectacular national park system with millions of unspoiled acres where wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these places. You want a commercial facility with a name like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground," where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps between the Winnebagos.

Q. How much food should I take?

A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your family, but also for the entire raccoon community. When I was a boy in rural Armonk, our garbage cans were regularly terrorized by a gang of brilliant criminal raccoons. I recall being awakened at 3 a.m. by loud noises and looking out the window to see, by moonlight, my father, a peace-loving Presbyterian minister, charging around in the bushes, wildly swinging a baseball bat and saying non-Presbyterian words.

Of course, he did not get the raccoons; you NEVER get the raccoons.

Q. What if I get lost?

A. If you don't have a compass, stand very still and listen very carefully, until you hear this sound: "eh-eh-eh." That is Canada. Whatever you do, don't go that way.

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"