Sunday, July 1, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
This weekend all of the kids were away from home. Even the boy was away with a friend at his family's lake house, so yesterday morning the house was conspicuously empty. When I came downstairs that morning I found the wife in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the over-sized 'T' shirt that she normally sleeps in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You need to make love to me right now!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, pulling her T-shirt back down around her hips.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final.
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
A nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture is piled in the hall.
"What happened to all the furniture?" she asks.
"Well, I don't know what sex is like with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He Got into the taxi, and said, "Perfect timing. You're just Like Andy."
Passenger: "Andy Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like your coming along when I needed a cab, things happen like that to Andy Sullivan, every single time."
Cabbie: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Passenger: "Not Andy Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Cabbie: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Passenger: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Andy Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Cabbie: "Wow. Some guy then."
Passenger: "Yep, and he really knew how to treat a woman. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andy Sullivan."
Cabbie: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Passenger: "Well, I never actually met Andy. He died. I'm married to his damned widow."