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Thursday, June 14, 2018

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I just read an incredibly stupid article about how couples are avoiding sex because they are bombarded by images of wild, exciting, edgy sex in magazines, movies, books and the internet, and they are afraid that their boring, old, everyday sex life will be a disappointment to their partners. So they just avoid it all together.

A therapist and sex counselor who was interviewed for the piece said, "It's sad that so few people are sexually satisfied and put pressure on themselves to perform. Noticing what is going well, rather than dwelling on problems, is quite difficult when we're all bombarded with messages about how sex 'ought' to be."

How sex 'ought' to be? Has it changed in the 20-plus years I've been married? If you're not banging your significant other because you're afraid she (or he) won't like your porn star performance...or you're afraid SHE won't perform like a porn're putting way too much thought into it.

Sure, there might be a few psychotics out there with some kind of crippling sexual paranoia, but I can't believe this thing is that big of a problem.

If you're intimidated by Internet porn or trashy romance novels, take it from ol' Uncle TZ; get your wife or girlfriend drunk every now and then and slip it up her ass.

Trust me, she won't be comparing you to anything she has read in a magazine.



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"When asked about the #MeToo movement, Bill Clinton said the 'norms have changed for what you can do to somebody against their will.' When asked why he said that, Clinton said, 'I like to say things that will haunt me the rest of my life.'" -Conan O'Brien

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up Dave?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my five-year-old son," the man replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My boy's just the same. Forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the bartender, sympathetically.

"I only wish it was that," answered Dave, "but it's much worse. The little bastard has got our 16-year-old baby sitter pregnant."

"That's impossible!" gasped the bartender.

"No it's not," said Dave. "The sneak went and stuck a pin in all my condoms."

"According to a new report, Uber is developing a technology that would allow its app to determine if users are drunk. Now, look. Let's take the mystery out of this, Uber. It's 2:00 a.m., I'm standing outside a bar, and I typed in my destination as Taco Bell. Yeah, I'm drunk." -James Corden

A white guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his black buddy at work for advice.

"Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you brothers always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"

"Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I does is pound it in 'em real fast, and then pull it out of 'em real slow. Keep doin' that and dey come every time."

The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out. He stuck it in real fast, and then pulled it out real slow, just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"

"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like black guy."