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Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Good morning crew,

Yesterday the wife called our lawn care company and got a quote on a round of pesticide treatments. As expected, the package they tried to sell her was about a million dollars.

The treatment would take 12 weeks and is designed to eradicate ants, fleas, ticks, spiders, most varieties of beetles, grubs, aphids, weevils, earwigs, chiggers, sowbugs, mealybugs, pillbugs, leafhoppers, cutworms, webworms, mole crickets, and, yes, mites, including clover mites, spider mites, itch mites, rodent mites and bird mites.

Basically, it would sterilize the ecology of everything except bacteria and protozoa. And then next spring everything would migrate from the neighbor's lawn back to ours and we'd be right back where we started.

So when the wife got home last night she discovered my alternate solution.

"What is that white powder all over the patio, the sidewalk, the driveway, the stoop and the window sills?" she asked.

"Borax," I said. "Five ninety-nine a box."

"Is it dangerous?"

"Probably not. But I wouldn't let the dog lick at it if she's dumb enough to try it."

"But what IS it?" She persisted.

"I'm not sure. It's like laundry detergent, but stronger."

"Won't that kill the grass?"

"I don't think so, but if it does we've solved our problem one way or another."

Laugh it up,

Joe

joe@gophercentral.com

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"According to a new survey that just came out, the issue most on the minds of college students is whether they'll be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it's silly for college students to worry about whether or not they'll be able to find a job because the answer is no." -Conan O'Brien

***

"A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. It's a little different than having a human cooking staff. Instead of finding a hair in your food, you'll find a USB cable." -James Corden

***

"Beachgoers in Florida have been warned about deadly flesh-eating bacteria in the water. Of course, if you're even in Florida, you've already ignored a few warnings." -Seth Meyers

***

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"

His father told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.

Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"




*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Butt clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."