Thursday, May 24, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I met Clean Laffs Joe out in the hall on his way into the office, and being the gentleman I am I held the door open for him.
"Thanks," he said.
"Anything I can do to help," I answered offhand.
"Oh yeah? Anything?" he came back.
"Well, anything but a cash loan or a handjob," I qualified. Then thinking about it for a second I added, "Or pretty much anything sexually related. And I probably wouldn't let you borrow my car. I don't want you anywhere near my house or my family.
"I don't want to hear your problems, and don't ask me for advice.
"I won't cover for you when you're gone.
"I won't lie to your wife when you're out blowin' some random guy.
"And I won't let you win at darts just to make you feel like a man."
"So not exactly 'anything'," Joe said.
"Anything door related," I concluded.
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"After announcing that people no longer need to make a purchase to use the bathroom, Starbucks clarified the policy and said the spaces should be used 'as intended.' Though if you've ever been in a Starbucks bathroom, you know no one is using them as intended." -Seth Meyers
I went to the club last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. So I said, "Great legs!"
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "You really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
"In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath." -Conan O'Brien
An avid skier decided that he would ski all the major mountains in the world. He spent a decade at this, climbing and then skiing the world's major peaks. Finally he decided he must ski Mt. Fuji, in Japan. He bade farewell to his wife and set off for the Land of the Rising Sun.
The fateful day came, the weather was right, and the skier climbed to the top of Fuji and skied down. So thrilled was he with his achievement that he decided to send his wife a postcard of Mt. Fuji, describing his feat. While in the shop buying the postcard, he decided, on a whim, to buy a postcard picturing a young, scantily clad geisha to send to his buddy who couldn't make the trip.
Unfortunately, he wrote the wrong messages on the cards, and sent them to the wrong recipients. On the back of the card showing Mt. Fuji, which he mistakenly sent to his buddy, he wrote: "Having fun in Japan!" And on the back of the card showing the scantily clad geisha, which he mistakenly sent to his wife, he wrote, "Here's a picture of the slope I went down on Thursday!"