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Sunday, May 20, 2018

Greetings Laff Lovers,

The other day I read a disturbing story. The birth rate in the U.S. is at a new all-time low, according to 2017 numbers. There were about 60 births per 1,000 women ages 15 to 44. That is the lowest recorded rate since the government started tracking birth rates in 1909. It is also well below what they call the 'replacement level', meaning more people are dying than are being born.

What is it with these young people? Nobody wants to fuck anymore? It's this Y Generation or Millennials or whatever you want to call them; they're all hooked on Anime cartoons, video games and Internet porn. And when they do get laid it's all sterile and anonymous, with Tinder and Grinder and Blender and all of these 'apps' letting them completely circumvent the social interaction that used to be an inextricable part of getting laid, and eventually to the bad decisions and regret that leads to children.

My generation did their part. Look at me. Me and my wife have 3 kids, which suddenly seems a little inadequate compared to what these young slackers are putting out.

I was thinking about this last night when I told my wife, "Hon, I think you got that hysterectomy a little too soon. I think you could have squeezed out one more pup."

"It wasn't birth control, TZ," she snapped at me, "It was a medical necessity."

"But kids these days aren't doing their part," and I explained to her about the fertility numbers I read.

Finally I said, "I feel like I should find some 21-year-old girl who's about to throw her youth away trying to be an Instagram model and knock her up. Give some meaning to her life."

At that point my wife was staring at me so I quickly added, "You know, for the future of the country. It's more like a patriotic duty, really."

She gave me a sad little smile and patted my belly. "You go ahead Sweetheart. If you can find a 21-year-old Instagram model who's willing to sleep with you I hope she'll be happy living on half of your salary."



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"A woman in Muncie, Indiana was arrested after she stabbed her friend in the eye with a fork for taking the last rib at a barbecue. I am strongly against eye-stabbing. That being said, if you're going to stab someone in the eye, this is a reason I can get behind." -James Corden

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to An upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle Of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children Became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small Amount for me to taste, and then our six- year-old piped up, "Mom usually Drinks a lot more than that!"

"Being Irish I should resent the Notre Dame nickname, 'The Fighting Irish.' After all, how long do you think nicknames like 'The Bargaining Jews' or 'The Murdering Italians' would last? Only the ironic Irish could be so naively honest." -George Carlin

I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After a half hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responded by yelling at the top of her voice, "No, I won't go home with you tonight!"

With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.

A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs Justin replied, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?!"