Sunday, May 13, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
We had a pretty busy week and last night I was just bushed.
I was asleep on the couch by 8:30. I don't normally sleep on the couch because it's so damned uncomfortable, but I was too tired to move. My wife, who was sitting on the floor next to my head, had been talking to me when I conked out. I don't know why but she always gets upset when I fall asleep while she's talking. Anyway, she starts elbowing me in the shoulder trying to get me to wake up--and I gotta tell you after about twenty seconds I was getting pretty annoyed.
Me: "Stop that." (eyes closed)
Her: "What?" (elbow jab)
Me: "Elbowing me." (eyes closed)
Her: "You fell asleep while I was talking to you." (elbow jab)
Me: "Leave me alone." (eyes closed)
Her: "No. Get up." (elbow jab)
Me: "I'm getting angry." (eyes closed)
Her: "I'm reeeal scared." (elbow jab)
Me: "If I were my father you'd be bleeding by now." (eyes closed)
She finally started flicking ice water on my face and made me jump up off the couch. "Some man you are! Afraid of a little cold water."
I told her, "You want to see afraid?" and pulled my sweat pants down around my ankles. Then it was her turn to run out of the room. But I caught her, eventually.
Then I got her face all wet.
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"A new study found that one in four Americans said they would have sex with a robot at least once just to try it. Which might explain why your Roomba won't come out from under the couch." -Seth Meyers
My area had a really bad storm a couple days ago and my neighbor lost the roof of his house. The poor guy doesn't have insurance so I've decided to start a gofundme campaign to raise some cash so I can go to Hawaii for a week because he's about to start construction and I hate being around all that noise.
"A man in Kansas was arrested after trying to have sex with the tailpipe of a car. He is being charged with 'finding something to do in Kansas.'" -Conan O'Brien
A man goes to a therapist and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The therapist tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the therapist's office and he asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "Money has been really tight for us lately, so I got a job downtown. For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The therapist thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband about this or what?"