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Thursday, May 10, 2018

Greetings Laff Lovers,

While I know that there are such things as online dating services and 'apps', I'm not really familiar with any of them since it has been a couple decades since I have been active in the dating scene.

For example, I have heard of Tinder, but I don't know anything about it. So when I stumbled upon a webpage that listed just hundreds and hundreds of weird, dirty, kinky and bizarre Tinder profiles, I was fascinated.

Apparently how it works is; on your profile you post a pic, and then beneath it you write a couple lines either about yourself, or something to spark some interest in whoever's reading your profile. It's these little captions that really get interesting.

I probably spent a good hour reading them before it occurred to me to transcribe some of my favorites.

10. "If my boyfriend had a pizza shaped penis that ejaculated wine he'd never have to worry about me cheating." -Bee

9. "The Internet is a dark, perverted, invasive, and down right disturbing place. So I thought, 'I should meet men there.'" -Caitlin

8. "Eat me like the last supper." -Angelica

7. "The 'C' and the 'L' are silent." -Chloe

6. "I enjoy long walks on the beach and an occasional finger in the ass. Always up for a tequila slammer." -Megan

5. "I'm the good thing small packages come in." -Stephanie

4. "I've learnt that men have 2 emotions: hungry and horny. If I don't see you with an erection I'll make you a sandwich." -Chantal

3. "I enjoy long walks on the beach, candle lit dinners, and shitting on your chest." -Melinda

2. "Anything is a dildo if you're brave enough." -Naomi

1. "Let's have a 'Who's better in bed' contest. I'm hoping to be a sore loser." -Raechel

The other thing I noticed is that almost all of these profiles belong to people who are under 25-years-old. I remember seeing one woman who was 31. So even if my wife got hit by a meteorite tomorrow I would be excluded from this parade of sex.

Once again, I missed out. When I was in college I had to buy a girl about 50 bucks worth of beer and shots to find out if she was willing to shit on my chest.



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"IT'S A BOY," I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer. "Our next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious."

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" the cashier asks.

"No," the guy says, "she's not that ugly."

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was immediately attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and got down on the ground. "Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her, and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."