Thursday, May 3, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
Last night my wife was up late doing laundry, because she is a horrible procrastinator and will wait until she is out of clean panties before she is forced to wash clothes at ten p.m. just so she has something to wear in the morning.
Anyway, I was lying in bed at nearly midnight watching her bend over in her nightie to put clothes away in the bottom drawer of her dresser when I felt Mr. Pokey pick his head up.
Being a faithful student of the sage advice to never waste a hard on, I got up and slipped my arms around her waist, "There is something about you in this over-sized T-shirt you insist on wearing to bed that drives me nuts," I whispered in her ear.
"Forget it," she said. "I'm exhausted and we have to be up in six hours."
"Come on, you don't even have to do any work. I'll take care of everything."
"Do you want to get stabbed?" she asked, picking up a nail file from her dresser.
"Funny," I responded, "that's what I'm trying to ask you!"
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"Founder Mark Zuckerberg announced today that Facebook has developed a new dating platform and promises the site is not for hookups and will not connect people already listed as friends. So, get ready to swipe left on your mom." -Seth Meyers
I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. "This is where the judge sits," I began, pointing to the bench. "The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see," I finished, "there are a lot of people involved in making this system work."
At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but I'm the one who makes it all happen."
"Last week, Major League baseball team the Kansas City Royals hosted an anti-porn seminar. No one attended." -Conan O'Brien
A genie appears before a man and says, "Master, you have been chosen. I grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I've heard about this kind of thing before. Whatever I wish for will come back to bite me in some way and my life will be ruined."
The genie says, "No, that won't happen."
"Yes, it will."
"No," says the genie, "I'm so sure it won't I'll grant you an infinity of wishes if it does."
"Okay," says the man, thinking about it, "I wish for a boomerang with teeth."
Genie, "You son on a bitch..."