Thursday, March 22, 2018
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I think I have finally figured out what "middle-aged" means. Some people will tell you that middle-age is when you hit 45. Others will say it's when your sex drive finally starts to flag, or when your hormones start to drop off, or when you start referring to anyone under 30 as "those damn kids".
But I have realized that my middle-age is upon me because I suddenly seem to spend a lot more time thinking about the past than the future.
It used to be I was constantly looking ahead, planning, dreaming, anticipating. I had so many goals to achieve and inexhaustible ambition to do it with.
These days all I ever think about is what my life would have been like if I had run away with that stripper I went out with when I was 21.
That's normal, right?
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"It's been reported that Britain's Queen Elizabeth has made over $9 million betting on horse racing. When asked to comment, Queen Elizabeth said, 'That's nothing! I've won $20 million on dog fighting.'" -Conan O'Brien
A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey when he walked up to one man's door, "Excuse me, Sir, how many times a week do you sleep with your wife?"
"Three times," the man said without hesitation.
"Hmm, that is once more often than your neighbor," the survey taker said, making a note.
"That makes sense," the man replied, "after all, she is MY wife."
"Fitness tracker Fitbit has announced it will introduce the first band dedicated to kids, called the Fitbit Ace. It will provide them with custom health reports, like 'Tommy, if you keep doing that so much you'll go blind.'" -Seth Meyers
A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message for ya."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."