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Sunday, February 11, 2018

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I was just reading a story about rape (because everything can't always be work, work, work). It was all about a campaign called "Still Not Asking For It" which includes individual stories and a series of black and white photos of people in their underwear with phrases written on their bodies. Phrases like; 'Blame the rapists, not the victims' and 'Your body, your choice'.

I don't think anybody would argue with those messages, but there was one slogan which I found a little - ironic - for lack of a better word.

It was; 'Marriage is not consent'.

Now, I don't want you to think I condone rape (unless she's REALLY asking for it), but doesn't marriage imply consent just a teeny-weeny bit?

In fact, isn't marriage the legal definition of consent? If you're not getting laid by your wife, what is the point of marriage?



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Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country...the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. In my script it clearly said: "Enter Juliette from the rear."

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave. The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Larry says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"


"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yep, I have a family alright."

"I'm not done yet.. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual! That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Doug says, "What's that?"

Larry says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"Nope," replies Doug.

"Yer a homo, ain't ya?"