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Saturday, February 3, 2018

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

Problem: When your city wins a big game the fans climb light poles to celebrate (don't criticize, it beats torching cars), inevitably resulting in injuries when the drunk revelers fall off.

Solution: Grease the poles.

Sound like something Wile E. Coyote would come up with? Well this is the exact strategy the Philadelphia Police Department used last month when the Eagles beat the Minnesota Vikings in the NFC championship game. The city applied Crisco to hundreds of light poles before the game. Unfortunately, it didn't work. When you have fifteen beers coursing through your system a little cooking grease isn't going to keep you from climbing a God-damned pole!

Also, Crisco is flammable, so the whole thing posed a serious safety hazard.

So the city has been speculating about alternate solutions. One idea is to use gear oil instead of Crisco. Another is to just abandon the idea all together and let the morons fall on their heads. The alternative hasn't been revealed yet. But when the government fails, the private sector is there to step in.

With the Super Bowl approaching, the popular website Pornhub has offered the city two 55 gallon drums of lube for the occasion. It's unclear whether the city will accept Pornhub's generous offer.

Surprisingly, this isn't the first time Pornhub has offered a city assistance on a municipal problem. Last year, the ever-vigilant company plowed the streets of Boston following a blizzard, helping to rescue people who were snowed in from the storm.

Now that's what I call civic responsibility.


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*------------------ Not Lydia ------------------*

A 69-year-old Florida woman with nearly her entire body covered in tattoos was recognized as one of the world's most tattooed people. Charlotte Guttenberg earned Guinness World Records for most tattooed woman ever and most tattooed woman living with 98.75 percent of her body covered with various works of art. "I knew immediately that I wanted to get a full suit," said Guttenberg. Guttenberg first entered the record books in 2015 as the most tattooed female senior citizen, when 91.5 percent of her body was covered in tattoos. Now she said her body suit has reached "full saturation" as only her face and a small portion of her hands remain unmarked. Guttenberg got her first tattoo when she was 50 years old and met her partner Chuck Helmke, the most tattooed male senior citizen, during the session. The couple also each hold an additional record as Guttenberg has the most feathers tattooed on the body with 216 and Helmke has the most skulls tattooed on the body at 376.


*---------- Like a Well-Oiled Machine ----------*

In a mix-up at the Michigan unemployment office, a dog was approved for unemployment benefits. Attorney Michael Haddock reported that he received a notice from the Michigan Unemployment Insurance Agency in the mail that said "Michael Ryder" will receive $360 a week. "Ryder," however, is the name of Haddock's German Shepherd and Michael is his first name. So Haddock assumed the notice was for his dog. "Not sure what he is going to do with the money, but it should be interesting," Haddock said. "I knew he was clever, but he surprised me this time." Unfortunately for Ryder, he won't get a chance to cash those checks after the UIA got word of the mix-up. "I know first-hand it is rare for 'man's best friend' to contribute financially to the household and that will continue in this instance," said Tim Kolar, the state administrator of investigations at the UIA. Chris DeWitt, the spokesman for the Talent Investment Agency, which is a division of the UIA, told the Detroit Free Press that the supposed mix-up could be an example of fraud. "It's important to note that no money was paid out," DeWitt said. "Criminals get a hold of people's personal information like name, address and Social Security numbers and file a false claim. This is a crime."

*-------------- READER COMMENTS --------------*

I live near the federal prison in Jefferson County. Seems the local news didn't put that on the fore front, I had to hear about it here. -Gene
[Would you want that story advertised locally?]

Wait--the porn industry has awards? What are the categories?
[Oh yeah. Categories include: Best female performance in a gang-bang, Best special effects for a tranny, Best cum shot, and Sound editing.]

Wait a minute, people can bring dogs, ducks, miniature pigs and peacocks on planes to keep them calm, but I can smoke a cigarette? Something's seriously wrong here.

*----------- END OF READER COMMENTS ----------*

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