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Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Greetings fellow Bizarros:

British firefighters were "seriously unimpressed" when they were called out to rescue a YouTube prankster whose head was cemented inside a microwave.

A video posted to YouTube by a 22-year-old prankster shows his head being cemented inside a microwave with spackling paste with a plastic bag protecting his face and a tube feeding him air.

The prankster tells his friends that, despite the precautions, he is having trouble breathing, and they attempt to free his head -- without success.

The West Midlands Fire Department was summoned to the scene and firefighters spent about an hour freeing the man's head.

"We're seriously unimpressed," the department wrote. "Five of our firefighters were tied up for an hour this afternoon, freeing a YouTube pranker whose head had been 'cemented' inside a microwave oven."

Watch Commander Shaun Dakin said the man was lucky he didn't suffocate inside the microwave.

"Taking the microwave apart was tricky, because a lot of it was welded," said Dakin. "We video-called our technical rescue colleagues for advice and eventually managed to get him unstuck."

"He was very relieved when we removed a large chunk of the Polyfilla with a screwdriver, allowing him to breathe more easily. But we had to be extremely careful with the screwdriver, working so closely to his head," he said. "It took us nearly an hour to free him. All of the group involved were very apologetic, but this was clearly a call-out which might have prevented us from helping someone else in genuine, accidental need."


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*---------- Vandalism Mystery Solved ----------*

Police launched an investigation after learning that holiday lights displays and pumpkins were being damaged, according to police in New Jersey. The Sea Girt Police Department said that they are proud to report that the case of the broken holiday lights has been solved. "We are happy that no human acted as a Grinch in this incident. The squirrel was charged with criminal mischief and released on bail," the Sea Girt Police Department said. Police uploaded photos of the offending squirrel on their Facebook page. The photos show the squirrel crawling over a fence and lurking in the area of a holiday lights display. Ther squirrel then approached the wiring and used its teeth to cut it.


*--- You Probably Shouldn't Read This Story ---*

Police in Wisconsin arrested a funeral home director after making a gruesome discovery in his home. Police said that the son of a Milwaukee funeral home owner used limbs and various body parts of corpses that he took from his father's business to make himself a sex doll. Police began investigating 38-year-old Steven Adams after authorities exhumed the body of a 27-year-old female victim of a cold case in the hope of getting new evidence. Technicians were surprised to find missing limbs that were inconsistent with the way the victim died. Investigators said that Adams became their prime suspect. Authorities said they found the human sex doll in the basement of his parents' home where he lives. The suspect confessed to using a saw to cut limbs from corpses and taking them home, where he apparently reassembled them later. His parents were horrified to learn about the accusations. His mother said that Adams "always talked about his girlfriend and how beautiful she was, he showed us nice clothes he bought for her, but we never got to meet her." Police said that Adams admitted to having sex with corpses at the funeral home.

*-------------- READER COMMENTS --------------*

I would remind your staff that the act of groping a woman's breasts is now referred to as a "Franken," not a "Trump."
[When did we stop referring to it as a 'Cosby'?]

Here's one for you to check out: I heard that Matt Lauer was in the process of buying a $9,000,000 property in New Zealand, and the country has rescinded the sale as they do not want him there. Like Australia, New Zealand had standards about who they let in. Don't know if it's true or not.

LEWIS; We can all think of failed products for that Museum Of Failure. Popiel's Pocket Fisherman, Earth Shoes, Polyester "Lesion" Suits, and various items advertised on TV today come to mind. -R.S.
[I don't think the Pocket Fisherman qualifies as a fail. It might have been a worthless piece of shit, but it did sell about a million units and launch a direct response marketing empire. In fact, you can still buy the Pocket Fisherman today.]

To the guy asking why police shoot dogs... I'm sure a badge doesn't mean much to a dog who has his 30+ teeth showing. Some being trained to be aggressive because some people think 'I have a mean dog therefore makes me a badass'.
[That stupid dog deserves it for barking at someone with a gun, right?]

*----------- END OF READER COMMENTS ----------*

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