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Thursday, November 23, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Man, how do traditions get started? I know how this one did. Some suppressed white guys came over to a new land, nearly starved, met some Indians who taught them how to tell shit from Shinola, invited the Indians over for thanks, got them to sell their land for some shiny shells and pox covered blankets, killed the rest with guns, then took the remaining land for free.

Now we commemorate this by inviting our friends and family over saying "Thanks" then getting drunk and fighting.

Next day is "Black Friday" on which depression and sorrow kick in because we begin thinking about all the money we are going to spend on all the assholes in our lives.

To make matters worse, I have to go to the in-laws' house and hear them argue about when the turkey (or buzzard, or whatever it is they usually cook) is supposed to come out of the oven and then how to carve the thing up.

Do we really need all of the drama? On Thanksgiving all I want is a golden bird all juicy and moist and filled with stuffing. Then I want all the other fixin's that go with it.

Afterward, if I'm awake, a blow job would be nice.



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Why use Google when Jesus has all the answers?

Because I'm not going to ask Jesus where to find midget porn.

A woman was in court charged with the attempted murder of her husband.

"But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge.

"Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "It wasn't my fault. I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife!"

If you wife or girlfriend ever asks, 'If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?'

Never give two names.

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting new granite counter tops."

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