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Thursday, November 16, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

Apparently Thanksgiving is getting more and more political every year. As if the racist drunks in your family can't talk about anything other than whether or not the clowns in elected office are corrupt, money-grabbing criminals.

I'll save you the suspense; they are.

The story I read drew these conclusions from smartphone location-tracking data gathered from more than ten million Americans. The data identified the individuals, where they live, where they spend their Thanksgivings, and how much time they spend there.

They found that people are spending less and less time with their families on the holidays and concluded the reason is because they can't stop arguing about politics.

But the important thing to take away from this story is that cell phone companies are tracking and compiling data on tens of millions of Americans!

If there was ever a more compelling reason to turn that damned spy phone off and lock it in a drawer I haven't heard it.

Is giving away the most intimate secrets of your life for free worth being able to whip your phone out to post a picture of your duck a l'orange to Facebook?

Personally, I don't think so.

Oh, and if you're anything like me, the reason you're spending less time driving around and visiting on the holidays isn't because of politics. It's because your family is a bunch of assholes.



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"Another big story right now is this Roy Moore scandal. And get this--there's apparently a 'creep list' of men in Congress known for inappropriate sexual behavior. And if you're a congressman who has to ask if you're on it - you're on it." -Jimmy Fallon

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her a bottle of diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

"Researchers are now using the video game 'Grand Theft Auto' to teach self-driving cars how to drive. That's true. In fact, two Google cars were just arrested for beating up a hooker." -Conan O'Brien

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? Death. What's that...a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

(3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish off as an orgasm!

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