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Sunday, October 29, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I overheard my teenage son making a case with his mother to allow him to go to a Halloween party.

"I know your little friend's parents aren't going to be home and I feel uncomfortable with you going to a house party with no adult supervision," my wife explained.

"Nothing's gonna happen Mom," he tried to explain, "and I'll have my phone with me so you can call me any time."

"Sorry, Honey, but with no parents there somebody might have alcohol, or worse," and here her voice dropped half an octave, "drugs."

There was more pleading, some yelling, and the big 'You are so out of touch!' Followed by a slammed bedroom door.

I walked up behind my wife and hugged her. "Way to toe the line."

"It's getting more difficult," she sighed. "I'm thinking, what's the difference if the parents are home or not? I'm sure he's had opportunities to drink alcohol before and he hasn't gotten in trouble yet."

"It's more than that, Sweetie," I said. "He's a teenager now and drugs and alcohol aren't the only dangers out there."

"Yeah? Like what else?"

"Well," I said, "when I was his age I didn't care about booze. My single preoccupation was trying to get a girl to blow me."

She shook her head. "Thirty-eight years later and you're still trying to do the same thing."



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"The Arizona Senate passed a bill making it illegal for a person to 'intentionally' create 'a human-animal hybrid.' And right afterward, one farmer was like, 'Define intentionally.'" -Jimmy Fallon

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date 20% of the men had sex in a nontraditional place 36% of the women favor nudity 45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes 46% of the women experienced anal sex 70% of the women prefer sex in the morning 80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations 90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest 99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.

"I understand candy isn't healthy and kids are better off eating apples, but it's Halloween. You have to give them candy. Or else, when they're teenagers, they'll come back to your home and kill you." -Jimmy Kimmel

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

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