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Thursday, September 7, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

We had some VIPs come to the office earlier this week and one of them was an attractive, middle-aged woman with a mature, Bettie Page kind of hourglass figure stuffed into a smart-looking silk blouse and a relatively modest just-above-the-knee length skirt.

When I was introduced to her I said, "Hi. I'm TZ, the Operations Officer."

But in my mind I said, "Hi. I'm TZ. I'd like to smell your ass."

Then all of a sudden the smile seemed to freeze on her face. Time stood still in that weird, preternatural sort of way like when you do something really, really stupid and each second seems to stretch out forever. And I thought to myself, 'Oh, shit. I just said that second part out loud.'

But then the moment passed and the woman said, "Hi, nice to meet you." And everything went on like normal. But as God as my witness I couldn't tell whether or not I had just irredeemably embarrassed myself, and she was just being extraordinarily polite in ignoring my monumental gaffe.

A couple minutes later, when the conversation turned away from me, I leaned over to Lewis who was also in the meeting and whispered, "Did anything unusual just happen?"

"What do you mean?" he whispered back.

"Did I just say something really stupid? I mean, more stupid than usual?"

He shook his head, "No."

"Thank God," I said.

But the incident was a wake up call for me. I have been an inveterate, unrepentant pervert for so long, I can't tell when I'm crossing the line anymore. And I'm pretty sure it's just going to get worse the older I get.

I really have to reevaluate my life. Is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life as? A deviant with a single-minded obsession with tits and ass and the sense of humor of a 15-year-old? Or can I finally accept the maturity of my years and find fulfillment in loftier pursuits?

On the other hand, I would have given my left pinkie finger to wear that woman's ass as a hat for five mintues.



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A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"

His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."


Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard:

Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free.

It's women who make it hard.

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.

She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.

Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.

"I'm not sure," said the husband, "but I think she choked!"

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