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Thursday, August 31, 2017

Greetings Laff Lovers,

What a life. I just got paid and I'm already out of money. My daughter's college tuition payment is due and I have to come up with that. Subtract grocery and gas money, plus a hundred bucks or so to keep the wife in the lifestyle she has grown accustomed to, and there is not much left for indulgences.

Well, you have to know what's important and focus on that. If I wanted money and a fulfilling life I would be sitting in a club somewhere right now with a scotch in one hand, a cigar in another and a 22-year-old dancer sitting on my lap.

The road less traveled-ly,


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"Today is the 20th annual Bring Your Child to Work Day. It's a great opportunity to show your kids why you come home so miserable every day." -Jimmy Kimmel

As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. "Let's make a commitment to do it three times a week," I said.

"Absolutely," my husband agreed, "three times at a minimum."

"And no whining," I said. "No excuses."

"No, we'll do it," he said enthusiastically, "you can count on it."

"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."

"The gym?" my husband said, confused. "I thought we were talking about sex?"

"A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. It's funny, because that was always my pickup line. Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories?" -Conan O'Brien

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Taking advantage of the lascivious atmosphere, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $5.00, I'll show you my thighs."

And men being what they are, they all pull out a fiver. The girl pulls up her dress all the way up past her creamy thighs. Conversation continues, and the men are now definitely excited. Then the young girl says, "If you all give me $10, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See that building over there? That's the hospital where I had it done!"

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